Hi everyone. My name is Jaxon but people usually just call me Jax. Today is my first day clean and sober and I feel like shit to be perfectly honest plus its my 24th birthday. I did this to myself though. I have so much guilt and shame for the things I’ve put my family through over the years of my addiction and I’m feeling a lot of feelings that I haven’t felt since I’ve been numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. I can’t tell if I want to cry or punch something. This is my 5th time in rehab and I really want it to be my last. I never want to feel this way again in fact I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Apparently the staff here just kicked out someone in the IOP program for taking too much of their prescribed gabapentin which is good because I’ve been in programs that would have allowed that stuff to go on. I didn’t even know people abused gabapentin but it seems like a stupid idea. Then again I did a lot of stupid stuff in my addiction. Nausea and chills are starting to set in and I’m hoping I can get some sleep tonight. I cant keep abusing my body like this. At least my mom, dad, and sister know I’m safe tonight and they can sleep without wondering if I’m dead or in jail. I’m really scared of facing all the people I hurt. The people here seem nice. The owners Mike and Pat came by the apartments to check on everybody and ended up playing basketball with some of the clients. I like basketball but didn’t feel up to it. They took us to an AA meeting earlier and I talked to some guys that have been sober for 3 years. I may get one of them to take me through the 12 steps and be my sponsor. I’m just really overwhelmed and scared about everything. It was humiliating picking up another white chip. Its so hard asking for help. They keep telling me to focus on just for today and that just seems impossible. It seems like it would be easier to just go get high and not have to feel this way. But I’m gonna give this my best shot. I’m making it a goal to keep this daily recovery journal going. I’m gonna get some rest now. I’ll be back tomorrow. Praying for sleep!
This is Jax’s first day sober in 3 years. Back in rehab. To begin your own recovery journey, call The Good Life Treatment Center today at 866.271.7341. Whether you need medication assisted treatment, halfway homes, and rehab therapy programs, we can help. Contact us today!